Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I grew up in a household that did not use sugar. As an adult, I do have the odd biscuit or chocolate, but I never buy soft drinks and just prefer "clean" foods rather than processed.

My husband, on the other hand, regularly buys liter bottles of cola and loads of white-bread products, and the kids I feel are picking up bad dietary habits. How can I handle this? I try to set a good example, but is that all I can do? Thanks! -- Anonymous

As with food, variety is better.

First, dietary: You and your husband meet with a nutritionist (ask your pediatrician). Anyone who stuffs their kids with white bread and soda who has the option not to is not paying attention. The easiest way to shape behavior is passively, with what you keep in the house.

Second, logistical: You take over the shopping, most if not all. He assumes the full weight of some other equivalent chore so you're not getting punished for being right. But when you do take over, be real, not rigid. Your kids need to learn how to navigate the food climate they're in.

Third, proportional: Even though avoiding processed foods is a good thing, harping on food is a bad thing. If your food supply is generally nutritious, then a little white bread and soda will not be their undoing. Plus, in my experience -- i.e., anecdotes, not data -- the kids from food-policed homes were the ones ransacking their friends' cupboards for High-Fruct-Ohs! on playdates. Not the outcome you're after.

Marital: If you get through 1, 2 and 3 still at odds, then it's a marital conversation: How far does each of you intend to go in undermining the other to satisfy what you think is right? That's the unhealthiest emotional diet you can give your kids. Find some way to understand and respect each other and meet halfway, even if it's in the snack aisle.

Re: Anonymous: Please, please, please, back off. When I was little, my dad made a big stink anytime he found, specifically, white bread or soda in the house. If he found white bread, he used to grab the Elmer's glue from the cupboard, say eating white bread was the same as eating glue, then mime drinking the glue.

My mom, brother and I used to "sneak" it. We'd hide it in the pantry or order it when we were out without my dad.

As I grew older, I genuinely came to enjoy whole-grain breads and found I didn't have a taste for soda. However, what I still have not managed to shake are my dad's "food rules" and "food morality." I don't have an eating disorder, per se, but I definitely hear my dad's voice in my head anytime I eat something "unhealthy." I can't enjoy a slice of cake, a carb-heavy meal, etc., without feeling some amount of guilt or needing to justify it in my own head based on how much I exercised that day. And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty like this!

I'm working with a therapist, but what I wouldn't give to have had a parent who didn't harp on foods in that way. -- Guilty for Feeling Guilty

I hear you. I flinch at "clean" with respect to foods, even in quotation marks, even when I know the speaker means to convey information vs. judgment.

Thus the passive approach. Parents: Hammer on your preoccupations, sure. Just know they're how your kids will harm themselves to hurt you.