In a previous column we explored empathy as a behavior that's important in all relationships and is particularly useful as a leadership skill. We gained insights from Maria Ross, an empathy researcher who's written widely on the subject. Her most recent book is The Empathy Dilemma: How Successful Leaders Balance Performance, People, and Personal Boundaries.
We asked about "empathy myths." What are they, and how do they get in the way of effective relationships?
"Empathy is not just about being nice," Ross says. "Being nice is often something we do from our own lens that may or may not be what that person needs." She says you can be a very nice office mate and bake really delicious cookies for your work colleagues, but that doesn't mean you see their perspectives.
"Empathy is not about caving into unreasonable demands," she says. "I can see your point of view and help you through a difficult business decision without changing my mind. Caving in is submission or people-pleasing. It's not the same as empathy. Empathy is not about agreeing with someone. I can get curious about your context and perspective so we can find common ground and move forward together. But it doesn't mean I have to agree with you or get converted to your side."
In a workplace with employees representing multiple generations, how can leaders make empathy a key ingredient of the organizational culture?
Ross says it starts with acknowledging that no one generation is "right" or "wrong" about how they see the world or how they view work. She says leaders can make empathy a key ingredient of the organization's culture "by encouraging intergenerational dialogue and mutual respect, setting up cross-generational mentoring relationships (where not only the older person is mentoring, but the younger person can also teach a thing or two!), and having open and honest dialogue to expose generational conflicts and biases."
Ross explains that leaders can also set clear values, norms, and expectations so everyone, regardless of age, "understands what we mean by our values, terminology, and expectations. We should define what the team means by strong work ethic, professionalism, availability or good communication -- and stop making assumptions. Involve people across generations to articulate those norms so there's a shared language and definition."
How can leaders improve their listening skills so they can genuinely connect with people in the workplace?
"We often listen to respond rather than listen to understand," Ross says. "Make it a habit to actively listen. Remove the distractions. Turn your laptop off, stop checking your phone, and look the other person in the eye. Practice curiosity whenever you feel judgment or come up for you in the conversation."
She suggests periodically reflecting back what you are hearing and "giving other people space to share everything they need to share before you jump in with why you are right, and they are wrong. For me, it helps to take notes while someone is talking, so I can avoid getting distracted by my own thoughts -- plus the act of writing cements my presence to the here and now. It takes restraint to build that active listening muscle, but it's worth the effort."
In the context of empathy, how can leaders improve their decisiveness -- and what impact does that have on the engagement and performance of their teams?
Ross says leaders often mistake avoiding tough conversations or decisions for empathy. It's not. "Avoidance causes anxiety and chasing 100% consensus delays progress," she says. "On the flip side, being a dictator doesn't build trust either. The solution? Balance open input with swift decisiveness."
She offers this example: "Start small. Decide on a team party venue or a room color. Gather feedback openly and set a clear decision deadline. For instance: 'Please share ideas by Friday; I'll make the call and explain the reasoning on Monday so we can discuss.' And praise those who share ideas to encouraege them to still do so in the future - even if their idea was not implemented, you can explain why. This approach to swift decision-making builds trust, fosters buy-in and ensures everyone feels heard."
Why can't the moral imperative to be empathetic be enough? Why do we need to talk about the "ROI" of empathy at work?
"The moral imperative is sadly, not enough for many people," Ross says. "Otherwise, we wouldn't have to train leaders about how to embrace their empathy! Empathy requires us to meet people where they are, and if people need a reason or motive to embrace empathy, I'm all for that. I don't care what gets them there. The research and the data show that empathy boosts engagement, performance, collaboration, loyalty, retention, even customer satisfaction. Once someone practices empathy, for whatever reason, they are doing it. They are seeing someone else's perspective, getting in the room with them, listening, having the conversation. I have seen firsthand how that transforms people from the outside in."