I've been happily married to my wife for 10 years. I have recently joined a gym and have gotten fantastic results regarding my health, mental well-being, and sexual performance. One of the things that I noticed, however, is that after my workouts, I get an acute increase in my libido. And on days I don't work out, my libido is still highly elevated from going to the gym (I used to only seriously desire sex maybe once every three days, but now I want it once, even twice a day).

My wife, meanwhile, has always seemed to only want to have sex once a week. This sexual discrepancy has always put some slight tension on our relationship, but now it's much more palpable. She says she doesn't mind me masturbating or using porn. But when she gets frustrated with my inquiries to have sex, she asks if I have a sex addiction given my increased self-pleasure frequency. I am wondering what I should do. I feel like I am on an irreversible/ uncompromising course with this workout regimen because it has given me undeniable benefits, but how do I reconcile my acutely increased sex drive that was already higher than my wife's at baseline? Is there any scientific literature to support what I am feeling? Would masturbating or using porn exacerbate this problem?

The likely answer is testosterone. Depending on the exercise, working out is known to have an effect on T levels. Testosterone therapy is also known to increase libido in men with low T, so you may be feeling the effects of the boost, especially if your levels were previously suboptimal (your description of your previous libido neither confirms nor denies this). That's fairly straightforward.

As to what you should do about this, I first want to recommend not taking your wife's comment to heart. "Sex addiction" is, at minimum, an imprecise term (and, depending on the way said term is used, it can be straight-up fallacious). You're a dude in your mid-30s and you're horny. You're hardly breaking new ground. Her libido is lower than yours and she seems surprised at the change she's seeing in you. Maybe she isn't grasping (or doesn't want to grasp) that a high libido doesn't necessarily signal a problem. There is no should here, there just is. In other scenarios we've seen in this column, the partner with the lower libido gets criticized and/or ostracized by their hornier counterpart(s). They're wrong too. It's all relative.

Next time you have a related conversation, just let her know (using the links above or Googling around yourself for info) that your body's response to your fitness regimen is actually pretty common. If you start neglecting responsibilities, changing plans, withdrawing, serial cheating, etc., as a result of your libido, OK, maybe then you start to make corrections. But working in a jerk-off session or two a day isn't going to alter your life dramatically. Masturbating with or without porn shouldn't exacerbate anything -- it should relieve you temporarily. Some people do find that the more they jerk off/have sex, the more they want it, but I think the majority of us go through a cycle that's similar to how we relate to food: We get horny, we get off, we're good for a bit, and then we're horny again. Ride the waves, it's nice.

Above all, I do not recommend discontinuing exercise. It's a really wonderful tool for mental health, physical health, and yes, libido. Stick with it. You'll be happy you did in the long run -- it's worth putting up with the pesky horniness.

Dear How to Do It,

My love life has been on "hard mode" from day one. I'm a late bloomer. My first relationship was long-distance. My second and third relationships were with poly people who did not have the communication skills to responsibly do poly with a newbie (neither did I!). Then I fell in love with my two best friends during COVID and we were a triad for two years -- a relationship that was truly blissful at its best and deeply painful at its worst.

I'm healing from my breakups and enjoying single life again. I know that when I get back into it, I want monogamy. I just ... don't know how to get there. It feels so silly to have done all these hard relationship things that took tons of work and now be completely flummoxed by the "easy" version -- monogamously dating someone who lives in my city. My relationships have always grown out of existing friendships but polyamory is widespread in my social circles, so it seems unlikely that I'll organically meet a monogamous partner. I'm demi with a low libido and very limited experience, and I feel so self-conscious about how little I have to offer as a sexual partner. Apps seem awful. I want to love someone and be loved so much. I want affection and romance. I want someone to build a life with. Where do I even start?

Start with apps! They may seem awful, and truly, they are for some people, but there's a reason why their usage is so widespread. They're convenient and they connect people. They would also allow you to state what you're looking for upfront so that you can target the monogamous demographic you desire.

I understand that you're in a particular scene, and that has its way of shaping your life and worldview, but culture remains in monogamy's thrall (at least nominally -- "monogamous" people fail at monogamy all the time, but that's a rant for another day). In a monogamous world, it's easier to be monogamous and find people who claim to be so. The person that you bump into at the grocery store or find yourself working out alongside at the gym is more likely to be monogamous than not. While the prospect of finding a monogamous relationship is daunting, your letter reads like someone who has mastered calculus and now is opting for an immersion in algebra. You have all the tools you need and then some, it's really just about using them within a slight reframing.

I think you should expand your definition of "organically" meeting someone to include people who aren't in your immediate circles. Go to bars, try speed dating, join local activities. Don't worry so much about "how little" you have to offer as a sex partner -- you can take it slow with people and get to know them before settling down. Let them contend with your humanity before even entering the sexual realm. People who don't want to move at your pace will filter themselves out. Rejection is part of the process.

All of this sounds much scarier than it is. It can be frustrating and it really can suck, but people have been making this work for as long as people have been people. You can do it. It might be hard, but it's hardly impossible.

For a forthcoming advice column, we want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I used to satisfy each other sexually orally. Then one day, like a light switch, it ended. She did not want to go down on me anymore. And I could no longer go down on her. When I asked her why, she said it was because she didn't like it anymore, somewhat angrily. She said it almost as if it was a type of food she found disgusting.

Do I deserve a better answer? I feel there's a better reason, or I believe there should be a better reason. It's been years since I've brought it up. I think about it a lot. It's something that I miss. And when we do have sex, she wants to hurry up and get it over with. We have had other issues but she insists on staying together. But I can't stop thinking if we do stay together that I will never enjoy oral sex ever again. Am I supposed to suck it up and just move on?

In a perfect world, you would have received a better answer, yes, but you aren't strictly entitled to one. "No" is the only thing you really need to know. Of course, in a loving and open relationship, it's always better when these things are thoroughly communicated. One goal of a partnership is to really know the other person, and when things change, it's useful to understand why, not only for your own sake, but so that you can calibrate your compassion for your partner. As it stands now, this is reading like your wife is rejecting you outright, which can be hurtful. Ideally, she'd explain herself so as to help you sort out your feelings here. It's been years since you brought this up, and it's still weighing on you. If you want to broach the subject, do it gently without any pressure to change. You're simply asking why for an answer: "I never really understood why we stopped having oral. I know you stopped liking it, but, what happened? What was I missing?"

She may not be able to explain herself. She may not want to. She may outright decline your attempt at engagement. Maybe she never liked oral and one day realized that she has the ability to say no, and that furthermore, you have to accept that. Maybe this is a personal triumph she's experiencing and wants no obstruction to. You don't mention her age, but menopause can diminish sexual desire. That could very much be a factor here. What she wants to do about this is up to her.

These issues on top of the others that you mention make the two of you good candidates for couples counseling. That could be general or more sexually focused, depending on your goals/counselor. Maybe, too, it is time to truly consider a future that is totally devoid of oral sex. Could you live with that? Would opening your relationship be a possibility? You don't have to suck this up and move on, but if you want to stay with your wife, it may be your only option. The question is: Can you live with that?

-- Rich

I've been in an affair with a woman for seven years. We're both married, and neither of us wants to leave our relationships. But at the same time, things have gotten to a place where we can't live without each other. We keep getting closer, and the sex keeps getting better. I'm 63 and I feel too old to make such a huge change, but I don't know if I want to live without this woman. What should I do?