You can break the cycle -- you just have to learn what healthy love looks like.
Many people feel anxious and insecure about parenting because of their own upbringing. While some lucky people are happy with the way that they were parented, others, raised in more dysfunctional families, are highly committed to raising their own kids very differently than they themselves were brought up. This is commendable, but difficult. How can you raise your own child confidently when you have no role model to channel in times of parenting stress or ambiguity?
In my practice, I see many people who struggle with this internal conflict. They know that they want to raise healthy, confident, secure children, but the only type of parenting that comes naturally to them is the dysfunctional parenting that they experienced themselves. Here are some examples:
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In all of these examples, which aren't about actual clients but are very common, it is obvious that these people are struggling a great deal. They are aware that their parenting isn't living up to their expectations for themselves, and they are even aware that this is likely due to their own upbringing. This awareness in and of itself is very useful, and people who have not yet made the link between their own parenting difficulties and their upbringing are even further from stopping this pattern.
"It is not easy to dial your automatic parenting default to another station, but it can be done, and it is one of the most worthwhile accomplishments, if not the most worthwhile, that you can achieve in your lifetime."
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Therapy can help greatly when figuring out how to respond differently to your own children than you experienced. Additionally, reading books, reaching out to friends or even online support groups (many people who were raised in dysfunctional homes love Facebook parenting groups, which reassure them that other people struggle the same way that they do), and finding mentors in their community (such as watching and trying to emulate a mom friend, aunt, in-law, or teacher who disciplines or bonds with kids in a way that you respect) all all very useful and viable options.
Additionally, working with a therapist or introspecting deeply on your own can help you recognize what your most sensitive triggers are and how to overcome them.
A great idea is to use a calendar/journal in which you record your parenting difficulties day to day and reflect on possible reasons that things went well or poorly.
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For example, the screaming mother in the example above may, after observing her own behavior for a month, realize that she finds it hardest to refrain from screaming when she feels overwhelmed in the afternoons, and also when it is the week leading up to her period. Knowing these triggers may make her tell her husband that they need a babysitter to give her a break a few times a month in the afternoon (or maybe he can even arrange his schedule to come home earlier, or she could take her child to a class at that time). She may even consult her provider about the possibility that she suffers from PMDD.
On that note, if you suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD, or any other disorder, treatment will make it immeasurably easier for you to parent in the way that you want to. Therapy and/or medication have changed many people's lives.
It is not easy to dial your automatic parenting default to another station, but it can be done, and it is one of the most worthwhile accomplishments, if not the most worthwhile, that you can achieve in your lifetime.
Introspection, research, writing, therapy, and medication can all help. But the first and most essential step is being able to look at your own parenting behavior objectively and recognizing that you're parenting more like your own parents than you ever thought you would. Although this is a sad realization, just by having it, you are on the path to positive behavior change and to being the parent that your children deserve.
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Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.