My partner of three years, '"Ricardo," is a wonderful man, and a brilliant parent for my child from a previous relationship. But he's been sex-averse for the past year and a half, which is impacting our relationship, as well as my self-perception/esteem. We have spoken about it all at length, but nothing seems to shift: We can cuddle and engage in tender forms of touching, but only clothed and never anything beyond that. He assures me that his libido is what it was before and that there are no physical issues.
He says, in fact, the issue is that he has a sort of extreme Madonna-whore complex. He thinks it's "wrong" to engage sexually with someone he actually loves (and is a mother). He also says that he finds sex base and disgusting, and can only really engage with that side of himself outside of a familial connection (which, presumably, is how he now sees our relationship?). There are parts of his childhood that likely galvanized these ideas, and certainly, things are exacerbated by suddenly finding himself in a parental role and the unsexiness of the school run, general stressors of family life, etc.
But I feel so disconnected from him and from my own sexuality, which now has no space for any expression. I'm struggling to be patient or know how to help him shift toward me. We can talk about it (and we tried a couples therapist briefly), but whenever I suggest practical things, like just being undressed and touching without the pressure of sex, nothing seems to manifest despite his initial agreement. I really do love him, but I resent not feeling desired and feeling rejected. I don't want a relationship that is devoid of sexual intimacy, and I have told him that. He says he's committed and willing to work on things, but just doesn't know how. What can I do to help us move things forward? Or is there really nothing I can do?
You can't do the work for Ricardo. If he wants to understand, and possibly shift, his views toward women in general and toward you in particular, he has to be the one to do that. A serious engagement in individual sessions with a sex-positive therapist (actual therapist, not coach or mentor) is likely the best way forward here. You can suggest that course of action, and direct him to Psychology Today's list or the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists' referral portal.
You can even deliver an ultimatum: Either he gets help in working through these issues or you will walk. But, at the end of the day, he has to follow through. Give him the space to show you he's serious by booking initial consultations himself. Be patient, but look for signs that he's actually putting in the effort to sort through his hang-ups. And if he isn't, be prepared to cut your losses.
-- Jessica
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